slickwitted

Notoriety

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:12:20 GMT

I despise being known by my colleagues and faculty as an extremely smart and diligent academic-based individual. I despise how everyone calls me 'smart', 'intelligent', 'special' or, better yet, a 'genius.' Do not misunderstand; I believe that I am not stupid. I simply don't want the attraction to follow me. I don't want the notoriety associated with being intelligent or 'smart'. Being that way naturally, or diligently, is a gift. However, the popularity that follows is somewhat of a burden. I want to rid myself of it.

Ironically, there was a time where I deeply enjoyed the popularity associated with my academic prowess. I flaunted it, both online and off. I've found that, despite the compliments people have given me, or to other people, they honestly don't mean it. They hate it, actually. I have had three people in the recent past suddenly renounce or 'doubt' my intelligence simply because I disagreed with their notion, or a subject was misconstrued. It baffles me how people are so quick to denounce someone who they feel, in their OWN view, is superior to them in one facet or another. I've also learned that human beings love dragging down other individuals into their pit of misery. Such a statement is professed over and over, but no one necessarily takes heed or truly understands the true meaning behind that sentence. We simply say it to ourselves, or to other people, continuously throughout life without knowing it's true meaning.

I can't wait to transfer out of this school. I want to be done; I want to start anew. I know too many people, and I've formed way too many ties. I don't want to form anymore ties; I've formed ENOUGH.

Fuck. This day was shitty. I also saw a shitload of people cheat their fucking asses off in my Chemistry test today. Everyone who cheated scored a 100; everyone who didn't cheat got into the 70s/80s/90s.

Fucking stupid.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 19:37:09 GMT

Fuck it, it's not even worth it. Whatever.

Release; part 1 of 3.

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 08:21:29 GMT

As my fingertips begin repetitious strokes along this blackened keyboard, there is only one reverberating thought in my head. Like a neurological virus permeating throughout my synapses, I cannot rid myself of this mental plague. What am I speaking of, you ask? To be perfectly honest, even I cannot give you, the reader, a complete and thorough answer. What I can give you, however, is the ability to glimpse into the small dungeon of mental torture I have created for myself. Now, there's only one question you need to ask yourself: Do you really want your mind to be contaminated by the thoughts of a discomforting one? If so, then continue reading; perhaps you may even find a sadistic enjoyment in viewing this journal entry.

Throughout time, the term 'fear of failure' has been utilized to describe the paranoia phenomenon which is based around the overall success or horrific downfall of an individual's goals. These goals can be career oriented, sport related or even recreational; needless to say, this aforementioned paranoia affects every aspect of their life. By competing vigorously and reaching the apex of success, they reach the pinnacle of euphoria; they prove to themselves that they are not failures and that they are actually worth something invaluable to the world, as a whole. If this individual is not able to obtain the gift he -- or she, for that matter -- so covets, then internal doubt becomes the catalyst for a depression that looms ominously only a few inches away. This depression is based around the same aforementioned qualities that originally drove them towards their goal: Proof of success, and invaluable worth. When their goal comes crashing down in such an eloquent fashion before their very eyes, their entire structure of confidence is shattered for a split second. In that split second, their emotional state becomes corroded by a depression that only those who experienced it can relate to. It is a terrifying feeling of self worthlessness and should not be overlooked. This severe state of mental depression can lead to suicide, or insanity.

??

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 02:56:15 GMT

What is wrong with me?

I'm getting fucking ticked off at random things.

....

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 04:38:55 GMT

My heart has felt the permeating and ensnaring warmth of you to the point where I ache in my chest when you're not here with me. Although I cannot convey my emotions entirely over this technological device that interrupts phonetic sound into words, I do sincerely love you from the bottom of my heart. My heart will always be inscribed by your name, words and voice. The time which we shared was invaluable, and I don't want to ever forget it. You are my first, and you're always going to be my first.

I'd never take back a day with you, and I'd never imagine doing so. I just want you to know, my italiana princess, that my heart will always ache for you . . . Even when I'm twenty-eight, thirty-eight of forty-eight. I will always remember you, Christina.

I never want you to forget that.

...

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 16:35:28 GMT

I also miss Hima. I wonder if she misses me, too . . .

At least I hope so.

Sigh.

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 16:23:08 GMT

That's the only word that can even give a glimpse into what I feel at this very moment. Sighing is the only option available to me right now; the only option where I can express a certain amount of displeasure. The root of the problem does not lie within my regrets or past deeds; rather, it lies within my heart. I feel so selfish as I write this passage, explicating my emotions. Not only that, but I miss her. I miss Hima so very much, and I want to speak with her. Not because I'm feeling bad or whatever, either. If you only miss your friends during discomfort, it only means that you're relying on him/her as a crutch and you don't consider them a true friend. The dilemma I'm facing, however, is that I've missed her for a while. I'm not exactly the best in conveying my emotions, but I did actually tell her that I know I've been very erratic with my attention span and very busy as of late. Perhaps that gave her a glimpse into how much I miss her, but there's apart of me that doubts it. I wish I could be so much more open in explaining how I feel. Hopefully, however, today I'll be able to speak with her and just see how she's doing, talk, etcetera.

Oh, and the reason I'm feeling a certain amount of displeasure? It's simple; I feel absolutely selfish. Although I practice Buddha's tradition of being very humble and never setting yourself far above anyone else, I feel that I'm unique. Is that bad to feel that way? I think everyone is unique, and no one is the same. Some just have yet to tap into what makes them different from the rest; however, a significant few have been able to at such a young age. I suppose I'm one of those individuals who has been fortunate enough to realize my potential and release it. So, this is where the dilemma lies:

If you were able to tap into your prodigal blood and enhance your talents, would you teach it? That is, if you were able to amplify your own gifts and acquire a new form of understanding in the category in which you specialize, would you pass on this new found knowledge to someone else? Even if that person is extremely dear to you, would you decide to allocate your own unique gifts to deteriorate due to the presence of another, who has obtained them to an extent? If so, what makes you -- as a person -- unique? If another person was able to learn from your knowledge and, in turn, emulate your technique, what would make you special to the world? What would make you different? I must battle that dilemma.

I feel so ashamed and conflicted at the same time. I feel shamed because there's apart of me that does not want to reveal the findings that I have discovered and infused to a loved one; yet, there's another part of me that feels as if the knowledge I have discovered or unlocked is my own and another person fortunate enough to unravel their potential should never do the same. However, if every human being felt this way, then we would have no future. The intelligence that descends from one generation to another would suffer drastically, due to this type of thinking. However, what if . . . Everyone followed Leonardo da Vinci's thought process?

Leonardo da Vinci rarely allowed others to learn from him, and he recorded most of his intellectual endeavors for himself. If he found out the meaning of life itself, Leonardo would allow such an answer to die within him. He would never utter a singular word to another person, nor speak of such a prized answer to such an elusive and complicated question. Perhaps I am the same . . . or, perhaps I am simply a regular nobody; a person who only finds comfort in a facade of what I am not and only dreams of being something more. Even that is searing an intricate design pattern in my heart and mind. I wish I could look heavenward and simplistically ask for guidance to such an extraordinarily bewildering question. Usually, I am always the one with the answers; yet, I find myself in a daze of complete ignorance and selfishness.

Perhaps my assumption is correct; perhaps I am only a person of complete worthlessness and dullness. Maybe my eyes only witness a figurine of novelty whilst my flesh permeates with the stench of normality.

Even during the conclusion of this entry, I have found no solution to my confusion. These written paragraphs have not sought out to alleviate my conscience, nor my view of myself; rather . . . they have only sustained me from falling to my knees in both disgust and agony.

My talents are invaluable and precious. Even upon my passing from this world of other unique individuals and insignificant merchandise, my gifts shall be everlasting. I will make a mark upon this world, and forever be recognized in the history books. I lust for the world to witness the grandeur of my excellence and pique of knowledge. Nothing else reverberates throughout my mental structure such as the dream of that.

Confident? I am, somewhat.
Cocky? I definitely am not.
Proud? Only for the small portion of knowledge I have discovered and achieved for myself.
Lustful? Undoubtedly so; but, only for knowledge and self amplification.
Prideful? Somewhat. That is a flaw, which I have yet to abolish.
Flawed? Greatly. I'm flawed to the point where I recognize flaws, yet I've done absolutely nothing to eradicate them. That in itself is a flaw on my part.

I want Leonardo da Vinci to be proud of me. I want him to smile upon my intelligence and ascension into God's graceful arms. I do not want to achieve the enlightenment of the grand celestial being, for that is omniscient and a representation of grand lust; however, I do want my creator to look down upon me with an effulgence that hasn't been as illustrious in eons. I want the creator to witness what the human race can achieve, if their goals are set in the correct direction.

^
|

That was typed around 10:48; and, although I feel that same way to an extent, I feel humbled at the same time. Certain flaws have been erected to my sight, and I am blessed that I did not allow my abrasive cockiness grip the best of what I have to offer.

Never allow overconfidence or cockiness affect your own personal view of yourself or other people . . . especially your loved ones. Always know of your flaws, and never attempt to degrade yourself; simply arise from the ashes as you undergo a rebirth.

- Daavid.

Wow..

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 23:22:59 GMT

Believe it or not ..
.. I'm falling head-over-heels for the gal. I really fuckin' am.

Whatever doubts or insecurities I had about her are gone. All I want is her, and I really dig her for who she is. I just want to be with her.

I haven't felt like this in years ..

I never thought ..

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 19:34:07 GMT

let bygons be bygons. ;/

peace.

Am I really wrong?

Tue, 29 May 2007 19:05:01 GMT

IS IT WRONG THAT I WANNA GET IT ON 'TIL I DIE?
IS IT WRONG THAT I WANNA GET IT ON 'TIL I DIE?
YUP YUP
YA'LL `MEMBER ME
YA'LL `MEMBER ME

ITS DAT 2POK, 2POK.

Responsibility.

Tue, 29 May 2007 16:37:08 GMT

I feel as if the entire world is crashing down upon my shoulders and there's absolutely nothing I can do to halt the descent. My shoulder blades and clavicles constantly feel the pressure of the aforementioned planet, and sometimes I want to disregard all of my responsibilities. People who are distant from me have no idea what I'm talking about, or even what I'm referring to. To be truthfully honest, not even my close 'friends' understand what I'm attempting to convey at this moment. This entry only satisfies my mental state, and my mental state alone. Engorged in this torment and torture, I am; but, I've no one to blame. I guess that's just how life is, sometimes. I'm somewhat envious of individuals who seem to effortlessly entrust in others about their dilemmas or problematic functions in life. Their inability to be introverted in certain cases baffles and astonishes me simultaneously; so much so that I can, at times, unravel another part of my personality that others would deem as jealousy. Speaking of that sin . . . I felt that to it's fullest extent as recently as yesterday. Although the emotion was foreign, I could feel the rage and the anger haphazardly creep along my fingers. There was apart of me that wanted to smash my fist through a wall, or at least demolish a wooden plank. I felt blood lust. I'm so thankful I'm consistent with my training endeavors, man. My strength-speed-reflex training regimen has really given me the knowledge of discipline and self control. Sadly, however, I have not reached my pique in physical and intellectual excellence. Oh well; I'll reach there one day.

Relationships! Relationships, relationships, relationships! They are a hassle, indeed. There's apart of me that wants grasp hold of her and hug her entirely. Then, there's another part which is somewhat afraid of falling for another woman. This may seem really random, but..

I want to zone the fuck out of life.

Back to improving. Later.

Experience it just once!

Thu, 10 May 2007 11:40:16 GMT

I don't even want to .. talk about what's bothering me, really. I've talked about it all night, thought about it all night and even laughed about it. There's nothing more I can do; I simply have to make a decision as to whether I want to keep pursuing a relationship or not. Ugh, all of this dramatic shit is worthless and absolutely stupid. Yet, I find myself embroiled in the midst of it all. Kind've sucks! I don't even want to keep her waiting like this, but I really don't know what to do. Everyone is saying ''dump her'', but it's all so complicated now; mainly because intense feelings are involved. Motherfucker. I can't even believe I'm typing / mentioning it in here. Wow. Also, what am I to expect if I decide to get with her? Fucking 'eh.

Oh, and Rihanna is one awkward looking bitch. She's not ugly; but, her face is just fucking awkward. I don't know if that's worse than actually being ugly. Crazy shit.

Well, in other news..

My physical training is going extremely well. I'm almost near pique condition needed for mixed martial arts training, so that's amazing. Also, I'm way ahead of schedule in terms of gaining muscle mass and minimizing adipose tissue; thus, I'll be ready for surgery in June. If I reach my goal -- which is, activating the pec muscle -- before June comes around, I'll be able to skip surgery. Hopefully, all those bench presses and push-ups / knuckle push-ups will pump some life back into it. Maybe it's a false hope, but I still think it's possible to rejuvenate the muscle without volunteering to venture underneath a scalpel.

Now, moving on to my intellectual training! I've been studying voluminously, but at the same time, I've been lacking. I know; you don't have a clue as to what I just said. Here, let me explain: Sometimes, I don't study for two days; and then, I go crazy by randomly studying for hours on end on the third day. So, basically, the studying I do that day makes up for the studying I didn't do those other days. I guess that's fine and dandy for some people, but it's starting to affect my psychological state. I want to become proficient and disciplined in my study habits. For some reason, there's apart of me that wants to conquer absolutely everything academically. I want to master algebra(pre, 1 & 2), geometry(eulid included), trigonometry, calculus(all types), quantum physics, general relativity, etc. I want to know everything and anything in those fields and more. I also want to read more about people who have created the pathway for human evolution, or have enhanced the prospective of such. I want to read about engineers, inventors, philosophers, ground breaking physicians, artists, etc. I just want to learn about people who have changed the world, or the world's outlook. Sociology is also an interest of mine. I also want to return back to my artistic roots and start sketching, designing and drawing again. Writing more wouldn't be a bad idea either, as a matter of fact.

To be completely honest, there's apart of me that wants to follow in the footsteps of Leonardo Da Vinci. I don't want to copy him, nor his methods; however, I want to become an individual that can inspire or invoke change. Not only within others, but also within myself. I want to learn everything and do everything/anything I can. Money is a necessity, but so is education. Education is not only a necessity; but, it is also a gift. I want to unravel that prize of intellectual amplification until I witness my limitless potential consume me in an encompassing state of absolute bliss of knowledge. The only sin preventing me from achieving this goal right now is . . . sloth. I'm the laziest fuck I know, although I strive for both physical and mental greatness. It's a constant struggle and battle, to say the least. Sooner or later, I'll have to make the choice to choose which side of myself I'm going to embrace: Will it be the lazy side, or the ambitious side?! Find out, on the next episode of. . .

D-M-DDDDDDDDDDDD. . .

I can't believe my initials rhyme with DBZ. I never knew that. Oh well, learn something new everyday!

So, there you have it. Not only am I keeping up with my bodybuilding / strength training goals, but I'm also trying to uplift myself intellectually! Pssh to all the haters that doubted me! Polymath, here I comeeee(by the way, 'polymath' is a term that basically means multi-talented).

I'm also thinking of double majoring in biology and mathematics. That'd be fucking sick as hell (suicidal) to major in.

Peace.

p90 held ten, but I had six shots //
I used to walk around with it and risk getting knocked //
I bought a fresh box of bullets from old man sam; //
wanted to shoot a nigga so bad, it was itching my hand //
some shot it out with me, and some of them ran //
'cause some of the gats worked good. . //
. . and some of `em jammed.

!

Tue, 08 May 2007 06:23:33 GMT

To reach perfection, one must reach enlightenment of their imperfection.

A new resolution!

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 15:28:55 GMT

From now on, I'm going to follow a strict code!

Do not judge others, only judge thyself.

That is all.

l8r.

If..

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 02:16:36 GMT

If they broke the locks,
If they gained access,
If the cops didn't come in time,
If they attempted to hurt my mother or myself,

God would've never came.

Religion is bullshit, faith is nothing.

Fuck God, Satan and all that bullshit associated with it.

You only have yourself and your loved ones.

Fuck it.

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 01:27:18 GMT

I love the woman to death, but God is she a fucking hassle. I have to move out by the summer or I'll fucking go crazy.

Heyyyyyyy, livejournal. How art thou.

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 03:13:46 GMT

It's currently 9:50 PM, and I'm totally drained from the cardiovascular workout I did only a few hours earlier. My left knee is in pain, and my obliques are feeling the after effects of not being stretched. But, I won't bore you with an entry about exercise dilemmas / experiences; instead, I'll speak my mind while simultaneously tending to my emotional state in my life currently. First thing's first, I guess.

1) Adulthood
I can't believe it. I'm actually eighteen years old, and College is on the horizon. Believe it or not, I'm actually thinking about becoming a god damn Doctor. Yes, a doctor. A surgeon, maybe. Probably reconstruction / plastic surgery. I'm also considering computer engineering / network system engineer. The latter would be fun, since I'd be pursuing that old passion of being a 'hacker'. Although art is my true passion, it won't afford a loft or a great, comfortable place. Oh, and then there's also ..

2) Work
I can't believe this shit, either. I'm going to be working soon. Probably some motherfucking Blockbuster or Gamestop job. Oh well; it'll help myself and my mother out with the extra bills. It'll also be nice to have some extra cash laying around just if I want to go downtown and jerk my dick off.

3) Relationship failures
I really have no pathos when it comes to my relationships, really. When I look back on my relationships with friends, acquittances, lovers or otherwise, I feel absolutely no regrets. Weird, huh? In the past, I felt a few regrets; but, I feel nothing at all. Now, it isn't that I think I didn't do anything wrong; it's just that I think whatever happened, happened; and, it could not have happened any other way. Also, certain past relationship failures have made me a better person. I gained strength and wisdom from them, as well. Some past relationship failures have made my bond with the person stronger, too. Awkward, eh? Really awkward. There are a few things I think I could've done differently with certain people, but still. I have no regrets.

4) Achievements
Diploma
Diploma
Diploma
Starting College
Diploma
Diploma
Did I mention my diploma?
Closer with my brother and mother. You know who you are, homie.
Bigger penis. *-*; . . .

5) Virginity
Wow, a virgin at eighteen. Awesome, huh? God, I can't wait 'til I hit college.

6) Confidence
Such an increase of it. I just fear nothing and no one anymore(if you're excluding my mother and God, of course. -coff-) I'm far from timid. Chill, yes; but, not timid.

7) Future aspirations in no particular order ... -

Move further in my bodybuilding endeavors. Yeah, I know. ME of all people bodybuilding. Fucking crazy, right?

Become a better artist in illustration and graphic design. Maybe even get involved in video editing / design in the upcoming months.

Maintain an A average in College and attempt to gain as many scholarships as possible.

Make a voluminous amount of money through certain business opportunities and move out on my own while simultaneously helping my mom out with her own apartment and extra bills.

Get back into ice skating / roller blading, and start snowboarding.

Get into Muay Thai boxing, boxing and full contact sports / fighting.

That's it for my aspirations for this year, pretty much. I'd also like to become stronger mentally, physically and emotionally. Also, increasing my intelligence doesn't sound like a bad idea either. But, like Rich Boy says ...

Throw some Ds on that bitch.

Sat, 12 Aug 2006 08:08:49 GMT

... And then, it happened. It was as if a crystalline blade, bathed within the flames of pain, sorrow and anguish, had punctured my chest. Through the skin; the flesh; the sinew; and the blood. The latter of those aforementioned meaningless obstacles poured forth from my heart; spilling haphazardly into the air before splashing onto the cold, gray concrete underneath my feet. As my life started to dwindle away, bit by bit, I arched my head upwards to stare at the culprit who committed such a horrific act. Stunned at what I saw, I fell to my knees; redirecting my vision to the pool of blood that laid before me. The mirror which I looked into suddenly fell from ascension only to impact the concrete, shattering into a dozen fragments. Then, it occured . . . an epiphany. The same blood which poured from me began to change from it's illustrious white hue; displacing the pristine color was blackness. Gripping the handle of the blade tighter, I pulled it out of my body vigorously. My vocal chords unleashed a scream that could shake the waterfalls of heaven, and disrupt the flames of hell whilst my eyes cried transparent tears of downtrodden emotions. As soon as the blade left my body entirely, the wound became ensnared by a coat of blood, which became overlapped by sinew; then flesh; then skin. I arose from my knees, gazing at the blade which completely obliterated my heart from within. I looked back at the fragments which were spread before me, vowing never to fall to my knees again. Dropping the blade, I finally realized what I really was within:

Pure,
Unbridled,
Unbroken
Hatred.

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 02:59:09 GMT

To succeed in this life . . .

You don't need money;
or power;
or even the `connections.`

All you need is the will to do what others won't.

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 11:17:31 GMT

Shorteh`, turn it around; lemme see somethin'

Lights, camera, action!

I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson!

Most beautiful song in the world.

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 08:58:16 GMT

Refer to the song below.

My apology.

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 17:18:08 GMT

I'm sorry for all the people I've hurt.
I'm sorry for all the people I've neglected.
I'm sorry for all the people I've talked about and teased.
I'm sorry for each and every single sin I've committed in my life against my loved ones, former loved ones or those who want to become one of my loved ones.

In these past couple of months, my personality has morphed drastically towards certain people. I've grown distant, cold and even ... cruel. Although some were the same to me, or even worse, I still should not have been so vindictive. For that, I apologize to anyone I've hurt.

We stay hard to find cuts `cause it's too hard to take it . . .

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 07:12:11 GMT

My dream has turned into a fucking nightmare.

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 17:00:51 GMT

My dream has come true.

. . .

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 05:15:49 GMT

`` He has two sons, Edwin and Dan, who also play baseball and football. ``

. . .

Fuck my father.